


Lists

by robotmonarchy



Series: Tumblr Prompts and AUs [1]
Category: Dan Vs.
Genre: Humor, Love Confessions, M/M, awful aus prompts, dan is dan, implied elements of a toxic relationship, in a nutshell, monopoly, well its not as dark as it sounds but it is dan and chris
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-11
Updated: 2015-06-11
Packaged: 2018-04-03 22:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4116913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robotmonarchy/pseuds/robotmonarchy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan has something very important to say.<br/>Chris can only assume the worst.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lists

**Author's Note:**

> Read the end notes to read what prompt this was based off of!  
> Edit: Now with slightly less commas and grammar mistakes!  
> I need a beta.

“ **L** ook, Chris...”

Dan had his eyes glaring fiendishly at summer-made hot pavement and a hand rubbing the back of his neck in sheepishness. While they were parked near the front entrance of Burgerphile, Chris was completely prepared to enjoy his burger, tune out Dan's rants, and enjoy a nice day. But when he urged Dan to eat his burger so that he wouldn’t have to be destructive on an empty stomach, Dan hopped off from the hood of the car and started pacing in a small circle. Chris watched Dan’s face shift between deep contemplation and doubt. He made a quick ankle turn towards Chris, presenting himself with some sort of...apology? Confession? Chris was anything but sure.

After all, guilt plus Dan?

They didn’t usually add up together.

Dan must have of done something really wrong if he wanted to apologize to Chris. It could be many things lately, but Chris mentally refers to an emergency list of Dan-Unique-Tragedies:

 

  1. “I could’ve-possibly-might’ve-totally-on accident-purpose killed a man while road raging. Please pay for my lawyer. No, not the divorce one.”
  2. “I set a playground on fire again.”
  3. “In a fit of rage, I told the President that I would kill him.”
  4. ~~~~~~“I finally made it on FBI’s most wanted list!  
~~ (Chris crossed this out because Dan would actually be proud of this.)
  5. “I need rent money again.”



 

Sometimes, Chris dared to hope that he’d be blessed with Dan sparing him a rare moment of honesty. That Dan would finally open up with meaningful or emotional conversation starters that Chris has spent countless hours silently rehearsing each and every day.

His hopes and dreams usually entail like this:

 

  1. “I think it is time I get some professional help.”
  2. “You are right, I do have a real problem with my anger.”  
(Actually, hearing the words “You were right!” would be good enough to keep Chris happy for a few months, maybe years.)
  3. “Chris, you are truly my best friend and I ~~love you~~ care for you deeply.”  
(Not even Chris dared hope to consciously include the ‘L’ word in his wish list.)
  4. “Chris, I have made more friends!”  
(For some reason, Chris finds this wish very bittersweet.)
  5. “I have decided that I will use my special skills constructively and finally pursue a well-established career to become a productive member of society.”  
( _“When pigs fly, and you're allowed to hunt them,”_ Chris thought.)



 

None of these really happened though. Instead, Dan put a hand in his pocket and dug for his wallet. Chris, not sure what to expect, only stares at Dan blankly the entire time, idly munching his burger and sipping from his extra-large drink.

“I know you think that I don’t,” Dan brings up a closed hand and crosses his eyes, apparently, to mimic how Chris speaks, “MUMMUMMUM Pay ATTENTION!”

Chris, as a tactical decision, chooses to ignore that.

“But I do, actually, hear things. Or see things at least. And well,  I know that I see you always pay for my food,” Dan sighs, preferring to look at the cloudless sky than see Chris’ face, “even when you don’t want too...” Chris swears he hears the word “Jerk” mumbled under Dan’s breath, “But I wanted to pay you back. For this meal.” As soon as Dan sees Chris’ eyes widen, he interrupts, raising a finger, “Just. This once. Okay? Now hold out your hand.” Chris, dumbfounded, complies. Dan sighs deeply, before reaching in his wallet, and gingerly placing two brightly colored bills in the palm of Chris’ open hand.

As Dan crosses his arms, Chris retracted his hand to look at it. All these bills were remarkably small to be actual American dollars, one was even crumpled and damaged. Chris could clearly see that these white and yellow colored bills was, “...Monopoly money?”

Dan blinked. “What?” He grasped Chris’ wrist, applying enough pressure to accidentally shock Chris into releasing the bills into the air. Dan, paying no mind to his friend now nurturing a tender wrist, catches the bills midair, and brings them eye level to see what the hell Chris was talking about. Dan face-palms, sealing it with a loud, frustrated, and theatrical groan.

“I knew it was a bad idea to keep my savings in a Monopoly bank!”

Chris blinks. “...You thought, that these were real bills?”

“Well, of course!” Dan glared at Chris and protected his chest with arms once again. “You know how often the Government changes these designs! You can’t expect a guy keep track, could you?”

(Chris very much could.)

“So, you thought these were your savings.” Chris continued, his face revealing nothing of his thoughts.

“...Yeah? I mean, it’s no wonder that was a lot more than I thought I had...” Dan trailed off, looking at the Monopoly money that would only total six dollars if they were real.

“...” Chris looked at Dan intensely, and as he did so, Dan took the moment to make a list of things _he_ was _sure_ what was going to exit Chris’ mouth:

 

  1. “Never speak to/look at/kidnap/ me again.”
  2.  Chris wouldn’t say anything in this scenario, only completely, and totally attempt to murder him.
  3. “I’m leaving you.”  
(In many ways this would be bad, but what Dan considered crucial was the fact Chris is his only ride and he wasn’t in the mood to be abandoned at Burgerphile.)
  4. “Dan, I really think you need to get a job, or else I won’t be bothering with you anymore.”  
(Dan shivers even imagining this.)
  5. "I hate you.”  
(Chris has no doubt told Dan this before, and likewise, but the difference here is that Dan fears it would be for _reals_.)
  6. "I know the truth about aliens, but I refuse to tell you."
  7. "I really hate you."
  8. "Why Monopoly? You know I prefer Connect 4."
  9. "I'm officially handing you over to the government."
  10. "I really really hate you."
  11. "I bet Mr. Mumbles is really disappointed in you."



 

All of these purely reasonable scenarios filled Dan with dread, but having refusing to apologize, he chose to glare idly at Chris’ blank expression instead. 

Chris’ mind was trying to process many things, one of them being the fact that Dan needs to to get out more. Another, is that Chris should be bothered that ridiculous things like this are his life now, but is not.  And finally: that Chris was more than ready to deal with anything, and he means **anything** , that came out of Dan’s mouth…except an innocent act of kindness involving Monopoly money. An act that was only tarnished by Dan’s extremely poor luck. (And lack of common sense.) Still, the idea that Dan tried to pay Chris back for at least one thing in his life did not escape him. Chris can’t help but be overwhelmed with a warmness that only Dan’s awkward methods of saying he just **cares** can conjure. Chris found it a bit odd that Dan chose to repay Chris now after all these years. After all no matter how much he complained they both knew he would keep paying for his meals as long as he could afford them. Maybe his small friend actually did have a heart somewhere, in that cold, angry, body. (Unlikely.) He’s not sure why the possibility of that affects him so much. Well he does, there are plenty of reasons about why he’s always smiling when Dan so much calls him his friend, let alone to go out of the way and actually. Well. Appreciate him. Some of those reasons are inspired from self-respect, but that was abandoned long ago. No, nowadays it’s something even more hopeless and it must be repressed deep into his subconscious at all costs.

But, Chris was prepared to help Dan deal with court in case of murder? Playground fires? Threats? Rent?

And what did it end up being?

Monopoly money. _Only Dan…_

Chris cracks a smile, suddenly, until his strained face snorts into laughter.

He giggles so much that he slips off the hood of the car, and recovers in time to only hunch over from the pain of trying to regain himself.

Dan steps away, taken slightly aback. That was...not what he was expecting. Chris? Laughing? After he tried doing something _nice_? Too many images of humiliation boiled in him like lava does under molten crust, Dan feels a familiar pain, a descent into a wide stance of anger, “What the hell are you laughing about?” He snarled.

When Chris calms down, aligns his shirt, and wipes a tear off his eye, he is barely calm enough to say,  “I’m sorry, Dan, its just,” he interrupts himself with another few bursts of laughs, but he sobers quickly when he sees the clenching of Dan’s fist, his Dan-tuned mind communicating to him that he should get to the point quick.

“Its just that,” he clasps his hands on Dan’s shoulders, “I think I love you.” Whoops.

That wasn’t what he was supposed to say.  
What was it that he read in that one book? _Freudian slip?_

“What?’' Dan blinks, eyebrow arched. His fist and body deflated in nothing other than pure disbelief. The sound of those three words rang loudly in his head, immediately silencing whatever storm threatened to brew in his mind.

Chris smiles sheepishly. He’s not really smart enough to think of a lie out of this one, “Well yeah, I have to love you if I’m willing to stick around a guy that gives me relief when he’s giving me Monopoly instead of a FBI’s most wanted list with his name on it.”

Dan gasped out of his reverie, “But that would be **so** cool!”

Chris catches himself before protesting, pausing to truly consider a day where Dan is in FBI’s Most Wanted list.

“Man, you’re right, that would be cool.” Chris agrees, his eyes lost in an elaborate scenario that involved Dan dragging Chris across the country and into Europe, only to be confronted by something as elite as Interpool.

Chris shakes his head out of his thoughts, “But you see what I mean?”

Dan’s expression contorts in different shapes, clearly digesting everything Chris’ words implied. Finally, he shrugs off Chris’ hands from his shoulders and rolls his eyes.

“So what? We love each other. Let’s not get **mushy**.” He stomps to the passenger side of the car, and furiously tries to open the door, as if Chris’ car were the key to escaping emotional awkwardness. Finally realizing its locked, Dan orders, “Home. Now.”

Chris responds in a long exhale. Tiredly, he throws the remains of their food in a nearby trashcan in the parking lot, unlocks the car, and steps into his driver seat. He...really didn’t know what he expected out of Dan, he himself didn’t know what in the right mind allowed Chris to think such a thing could be said, let alone say it. Dan crosses his arms in agitation, and Chris puts his hands on the steering wheel, preparing to embark, when his hands suddenly still on the wheel, “Dan...?”

 _"What."_ replies his friend bitterly.

Chris purses his lips, even with his realization he feels like he's walking on eggshells. Eggshells that came directly from eggs thrown by Dan. “...Did you say ‘we’?”  

Dan turned to glare at Chris. "What are you talking about?"

For a moment, Chris stared back at Dan's deadpan expression and thinks he must've imagined things, or perhaps, only heard what he wanted to hear. That is until Dan's frown twitched upwards, and in turn forced Chris to crack a giant smile.

“You did! You did say ‘we’!” Chris shouts, his hands raised in the air in nothing other than triumph.

“You’re hearing things.” Dan redness returns to his face to betray him again.

“I KNEW it!” Chris coyly punches Dan’s shoulder.  “I always knew you cared!”

“Chris, it was a slip up.” Dan protests, bringing his hands to face.

"You can't fool me, Dan." Chris' voice is almost melody like, as he taps his fingers on the steering wheel to a tune only he could hear.

At that notion, Dan angles his head towards Chris, hands still on his face.

Chris likes to think he's a sensible man, but he can't think of any type of sense that wouldn't allow him to tease Dan as much as possible.

Even as Dan opened the fingers on his face to glare at Chris directly, he couldn't resist catching Dan's immediate gaze and winking.

For a beat, nothing registered between Dan's unwavering glare, and Chris' unfading smirk, until Dan sputters out a laugh, and after that laugh, other laughs spilled out from Dan like falling dominoes. Chris only smiled nervously, he's wasn't sure that Dan was on edge or not until his friend said, “Fine, you idiot, fine,” Dan breathed, shaking his head in exasperation.

“Knew I’d get to you eventually.” Chris says smugly, relaxing into his seat of the car.

“This is awful, I have never felt more uncomfortable in my life.” Dan answers, though he’s smiling widely.

 

“Don’t worry,” Chris grins, never having thought he’d have a thing to cross off from his sentimental list, “I bet we can sort this all out over a game of Monopoly.”

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this [awful-au prompt](http://awful-aus.tumblr.com/post/117932609193/awful-au-225): “You tried to pay me for your food in Monopoly money so I’ve decided I love you” AU 
> 
> This was fun to write, really, because the idea was so funny. And I enjoy exploring denial not only in Dan, but Chris as well. this is the second time i use burgerphile as a setting I'm so uncreative.  
> Also I couldn’t help but slip my bpd!Dan headcanon in here again, I think Dan goes through lots of fears of abandonment and I’m certain its all reasonable in his mind. which is also he has more in his list by the way.  
> one reason i tagged this as "implied toxic relationship" isn't really because that was my intention from the beginning, i just think dan and chris have serious codependency issues and its really hard for me to completely ignore that in their thought processes. also i don't want to accidentally trigger someone? stay safe  
> my prose was pretty sassy in here wasn’t it? man i didn’t mean to let that out 
> 
> sometimes i try to work tenses and comprehensively edit my work  
> but this was not one of those times  
> i am but one friendless fic writer


End file.
